“Why don’t I feel more sexual?  When we met we spent long luxurious days and evenings in bed, delighting in the joy of being together.  Nothing else mattered. Sometimes we didn’t even leave our bed as we brought food and or snacks into the bedroom to fill whatever holes were not being filled by our lust for each other.  Now five years later, two professional careers and one three year old and another one on the way and truthfully the thought of being romantic is about the farthest thing from my mind.  What is wrong with me?”

 

This is a scenario that I have heard in over twenty five years of helping couples finding greater and more consistent sexual fun with each other.  In particular, women seem to echo the above words. These women love their mates, appreciate the complexity of their lives but are overwhelmed with the incessant juggling act of life in all of its richness.  Sex is just not on their minds.  Why not?

 

Not to generalize but men on the other hand are confused.  What has happened to their sexually lustful partner? Where has she gone?  For these men at the end of a stressful day nothing would be more satisfying than a loving sexual exchange.  In the course of a busy day they can often fantasize about how wonderful it would be to see their partner, have a quickie or a log love making session, and look forward to comforting themselves from the burdens of the day by feeling intimate with their partner.  These men don’t require any romancing; their lust can be stimulated just by wonderful thoughts of the pleasure of seeing the woman that they love at the end of a busy work day.

 

Well, I have some good news and some bad news.  To all of us it is not too surprising, but men and women really are different in and out of the bedroom. The male model of sexuality goes something like this.  They have a sexual feeling, called desire and then if they are over twenty years old, in the presence of their partner or for that matter sometimes any woman they feel sexually arousal, have an erection and are eager to engage in sexual play...  I say over twenty years of age, as younger guys can get that “hard on” with or without being stimulated by their partner.  In fact, sometimes when they least expect it or want it, like sitting in a history class just thinking about that pretty woman sitting four rows in front of him. 

 

 

Recent research now lets us know that women are just different.  Oftentimes they don’t think about being sexual, particularly when they are overburdened with the chores of working inside and outside of the home.   However, provide then with the right kind of stimulation, sexual desire can and does occur. Are you sitting on the edge of your chair, wondering what is that miracle cure?  Yes, it is the romantic dinner, the warm intimate exchange in which a couple talk, talk and talk and where guys actively participate in the chores of life and living.  In addition transition time to be together, to relax and to unburden themselves from the mundane and the anxiety of running a busy life and family are turnons to many women. 

 

 Why is this so?  Well, we now know that women and men really are wired differently. Women experience sexual desire when they are aroused and arousal does not necessarily precede desire. A woman frequently needs to start to engage in sexual play before she realizes how much fun it is and how satisfying it is to be together with her partner.  Yes, it is true, she is often times more consumed and distracted  with carpooling, what she will make for dinner and or what dress she will wear to the party on Saturday evening.   Sex play and pleasure occurs after relaxation for women, whereas for men it is often the other way around.    It is quite frequent that I will hear a woman say with surprise after a loving evening  “why don’t we do that more often”. At that point her loving mate looks at her with that look and says, “yeah why not”, as he has spent the last week in lustful pursuit…

 

Another major obstacle to these pleasurable exchanges are feelings of guilt that women feel. Yes, I love him and I am not satisfying him.  Once she goes down the track that there is something wrong with her, she is a runaway train leading to disaster.   It t is difficult to feel good about yourself, your partner and the possibiity of being sexual when all you can  think about is what is wrong with me.  Guys also contribute to this problem as they play the blame game and join her in thinking that there is something wrong with her.  Another part of this intrigue is often the guy feels that there is something wrong with him.  I must be too fat, I am no longer a good lover, I have bad breadth are thoughts that feeds his feelings of rejection and inadequacy.   As long as blame, guilt, regret and sadness are part of the picture, sex will be dormant.

 

So what to do about this mess?  Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance of difference is so important.  In addition, create that special night, weekend or afternoon when the only agenda item is to be together.  Nothing works as well as loving, non demand touching. Non-demand touching, means touching without the expectation of intercourse.

 

Have fun without an agenda!!

 

Berta Davis, Ph.D. is Diplomat, supervisor, certified sex therapist and provider of continuing education for the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists.  She is also Certified in hypnosis by American Society of Clinical Hypnosis and is co-director of the couple and sex therapy training program at UCLA. Her web site is http://www.bertadavis.com